Attempting to Appreciate “I’m Sorry” gifts

I’m twenty-three, flirty, and swimming in “I’m sorry” gifts. What is my life?

What makes men feel pangs of guilt, so much so, that they have to go to the confessional that is 1-800-flowers and confess their crimes with roses, sunflowers, and baby’s breath? Even a better question, what is it about ME that makes them do this? I guess I just make men feel like bumbling, crying, regret ridden, Romeo wannabees.

An inventory of pathetic apologies in the past 4 months:

  • 1 edible arrangement. Contained chocolate covered strawberries which I guess says “I’m sorry” better than chocolate covered bananas.
  • 1 box of a dozen gourmet cupcakes with vanilla frosting. Funfetti puts the FUN in apologies I guess. Oh wait, there is no fun in apologies? My mistake.
  • 2 “I’m sorry” and “I miss you” hallmark cards.
  • 1 rose and lily arrangement in a square glass vase, with an overly dramatic card.
  • 1 bouquet of roses, sunflowers, and daisies in a glass vase, with a quote about how life starts all over again when it gets crisp in Fall blah blah blah.

I would like to add, that these gifts are from more than one sad man looking for my forgiveness. It can safely be assumed, that more than one idiot thinks that the “get out your wallet and get her stuff” tactic works.

Not only does all of this just add unwanted fat to my hips and mismatching glass vases to my home decor, this makes me shake my head and want to blog about how “I’m sorry” gifts sent by a scary tattooed delivery man is NEVER what a girl wants…. EVER. But, as the title of this post points out, I will attempt to appreciate these showerings of patheticness by listing the pros to the aforementioned gifts above.

I will never have to look for a vase again. On the rare occasion that I ever decide to buy flowers for myself, I will have a nice variety of vases to choose from. Glass vases are typically few and far between when you live with three roommates, two of them being guys.

All the Vitamin C I must have consumed from the Edible Arrangement. I did not get sick at all that week…

All the happy friends that I shared the goods with. I’m a sharer, even when it comes to sharing apologies.

Now, I’m not a heartless bitch that hates all things beautiful, perfumed, and sent with yours truly mind. Here are the reasons why I can’t stand apologies purchased online and sent by strangers.

The Cards. You might as well have tweeted me an apology. You can only fit about 160 characters on cards that accompany gifts, making the content overly dramatic. One card I received started with “You are the most incredible woman I have ever met.” I’d like to point out that I just met this now sniveling gentleman about 4 weeks ago. It also made me think of this Socratic inquiry: If I was so incredible, why are these guys dropping the ball so much? So, I’d like to point out ladies, that you should never take the message on these cards to be truth.

Materialism. My forgiveness CANNOT be bought with your credit card and SOMEONE ELSE’S sweat into making a beautiful arrangement.

Embarrassment. One arrangement arrived when I was sitting in a meeting with a client in my office. What first started as “ooohs and ahhhs” of envy, turned into voices of awkwardness as she found out they were “I’m sorry for being an asshole and yelling at you” flowers. I pictured her asking “Who’s the admirer?” and then a second later “Who’s the jackass?” The embarrassment was not due to the timing of the delivery, but having to explain the reason for the delivery. None of the guys were just thinking of me, they just didn’t want me to ignore them anymore.

The Motive. I’d like to make this clear Ladies.There is a motive behind these gifts and it has nothing to do with making YOU feel better. It’s about making THEM feel better. This is their attempt to end the silence or their tenure on the couch. In the mind of men it’s a simple equation:

Gift = Forgiveness = I’m not in the dog house anymore = I get laid = I forgot what I did

which leads me to….

Lessons not Learned. Humans can be conditioned, and this jackass was just conditioned to learn that “I’m Sorry” gifts will bring it all back to the status quo. Will he never do that again? Probably not, as long as he has some money in his wallet.

Therefore I’d like to end this post with something all women can agree on. Whether you share my opinion on “I’m sorry” gifts or not, gifts sent “just because” are more appreciated and will reap both him and her more rewards.

HALL OF LAME

EA

cupcakes

roses

flowers

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