From Court side to Bar Side We’ve Got You Covered

No one can help but refer to dating as a game; a ritual demanding the players to analyze moves, strategize, make plays, and juggle both an offensive and defensive strategy. Coaching can even be involved in the form of noisy, intervening friends and family members. Everyone has their franchise player, the All-Star. The guy that they see at least 4 days out of the week. Just as so, they have their bench players who can be called into the game when the franchise player fails to perform at their potential. The rotation of players never stays the same, some come and go, get traded or retire, but the games continue, the league goes on and everyone has the glint of a possible championship win in their eyes. In most cases, that long awaited for win comes with a ring.

Each player has their play- I mean, dating style. The guy that hits on girls unabashed with his eye rolling pick up lines would be considered an offensive player; perhaps playing the position of forward. He is determined to score; many times on different girls, and after doing so can be seen doing a victory dance or perhaps giving out high fives to his teammates.

Being girls who enjoy watching athletics as well as being in the throws of dating, Danielle and I can’t help but find the resemblance between our love for the game in both meanings of the term. From our observation, many comparisons can be made between the NBA (it’s players and teams) and dating, and we are just weird enough to post our thoughts. What is our lives?

So here we have it. The Roster.

Geek turned chicThe team which I am going to be keeping my eyes on for the 2013-14 NBA season will be the Brooklyn Nets. The 2012-13 season was a struggle for the team both in performance and identity. Like a freshman trying to see where they fit into the big leagues of college, so were the Nets trying to secure a head coach and getting a team together. Well, now they have Jason Kidd and the most promising team to date. 2013-14 should prove to be a fantastic campaign marked with wins and success right? Well possibly, if the team and it’s players perform up to their high expectations. But, as many romantic teenage comedies have proven to us before, no matter how drastic the physical appearance of the gawky introvert is, their true colors always shine through. What they are lacking is chemistry, and what they have an abundance of is age (Current record 3-7).

Commitment Issues. If you’re looking for a guy with problems putting it all in on a relationship, look no further than Derrick Rose. The 2012-13 “will he wont he return after his torn ACL” player is the HARDEST to get a commitment from. Just ask Adidas, who launched “The Return of D Rose” marketing campaign on August 15, 2012. Unfortunately for them, D. Rose didn’t return until October 16, 2013. He’s great at game-planning for the offensive despite his low shooting percentage. But what does Derrick Rose and a true commitment phobe have in common? They command constant defensive action. Now that Rose has committed to the Bulls this season, he’s ready to win. We can only hope that the commitment phobes that we date can do and achieve the same.

The Wing Man. Assisting on the court is much like assisting at the bar. A widely, misunderstood perception is that anyone can be a wing man. If you were to bring out your most introverted, geeky, and self conscious friend who has never even spoken to a person of the opposite sex, let alone scored before; they will not succeed in being your wing man. The player that will be the most successful at assisting you will have to have found success during the game in their own right. This season that player is Chris Paul of the Clippers. Paul currently leads at 12.6 assists per game, as well as demonstrates some “Mister Steal Your Girl” potential, dominating in steals as well.

The Player. This pick couldn’t be easier. The player is the guy everyone takes about. He always scores, beds multiple women, wing mans up the whazoo for his friends, and pisses all over the opportunity to stay loyal to one significant other in order to score with another. In this case, LeBron James is the ultimate Player. In order to score and win, James fleed from Cleveland after seven seasons to score and win big for the Miami Heat in 2010. A two time NBA Championship winner, Finals MVP, and Overall NBA MVP, James has all the accolades, recognition, status, and female fans that would mark him as the Player. Even when the Player decides to commit, he still makes it all about himself. Even non-basketball fans tuned into the ESPN special titled The Decision to find out where he would go after Cleveland. Remember that?

The One You’re Looking For. Nothing is better than finding the one you’re meant to be with. This person not only stood out as the greatest suitor but committed and performed. Kobe Bryant has done just that not only for the Lakers, but for the NBA, and the sport of basketball in general. Like the guy that attracts your attention from across the room, Kobe stood out early, being the first guard to ever be taken right out of high school. Also, any woman would chop off their left land to have a man show as much commitment to them as Kobe has towards the game. The NBA superstar started displaying his love, affection, and loyalty to the game in high school, where he would practice from 5AM to 7PM, as well as make his teammates play him to 100 points daily. Currently, he keeps track of all of his shots in practice, not leaving until he hits 400 baskets, and trains 4 hours a day during the season and even more during the offseason. That kind of commitment is hard to find, even in most marriages. Not only does this man commit, but he performs. In his 17 seasons he has earned five NBA championships. Lastly, Kobe is able to stand back and assess his relationship with the sport of basketball to make the necessary changes to help him succeed. In a post practice interview with ESPN on Tuesday, Kobe admitted that he has stopped trying to shoot over people, but rather fall back to sink his shots. While he may be slower, he is also a lot stronger. Men and Women in failing relationships rarely have the ability to assess their weaknesses and make the necessary changes to continue their success. This makes Kobe the ultimate package.

The Left Fielder. Where did this guy come from? That guy no one wants to be more than friends with, but somehow leaves with the hottest girl at the party. That’s Brian Scalabrine. He has a career-high 4 points in two minutes and the undivided love of the American people, for no other reason than the fact that he’s a slightly overweight ginger. Seriously. If he was a random white guy, we would pay him no mind, but his Ron Weasley look garnered him more adoring love than Kevin Durant can manage- even WITH Mama Durant ready for hugs at the sideline of every home game.


The Strong Silent TypeHe may not be the life of the party. He doesn’t work well in a crowd and you never knew much about him. But once you get him alone he blows. your. mind. Ladies, let me introduce you to my super shy guy, Rajon Rondo. Doesn’t have a jump shot? He’ll learn. Versatility? No problem. Attitude? He has a ego, but he loves his sport and you’ve gotta respect a guy that works that hard. Even when he dislocates his elbow, he’ll not just aim to please you, but he’ll continue to perform better than ever quite like he did in the 2011 Semi-Finals against the Heat. Just don’t expect an outputting of hugs and kisses after a big win. He’s the type where you consider a handshake affectionate.

NBA Rookie Photo Shoot

Mister Big Talk No Game. Carmelo Anthony needs to put up 30 shots just to score 30 points like the guy that says he bags a lot of girls, but hits on anything standing on two legs. New York is bigger and better than him and he’s never going to be a fan favorite. He’s not that nice guy who leads the team in assists, but when you only win the scoring title because Durant sat out the last game of the season to rest up…does it even count? And I’m going to have to mention him forcing his shots as if he’s attempting to pick up girls that are clearly disinterested.

So as you read this and contemplate which player you want, are or are currently with, don’t worry. From court side to bar side, Danielle and I have got you covered.


One thought on “From Court side to Bar Side We’ve Got You Covered

  1. Pingback: To Court or Abort: The Five (and a half) Stages of Courting | Twenty Something... What is my Life?

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