Tools that the Dating World is Missing

At twenty-one, I graduated a semester early and then moved thirteen hours away from my friends and family to work in a new state and live alone. I made some pretty big decisions, including adopting a rescue dog and then transferring back up North to live in Boston, a great city where the rent really is too damn high. I put money into a matching 401K, got off my parents insurance policy, and started picking my own doctors.

In the past three years, I’ve gotten quite comfortable and capable. I understand my job, schedule my doctor appointments annually, pay my ridiculous rent, and essentially get shit done.

However, one thing that always been a mystery to me and to be honest, something that seems to be a mystery to most twenty-somethings is dating. I do not, for the life of me, understanding dating and marriage, and sometimes I come back from a night out wishing that certain tools existed to help me better identify who I should be investing my time in. Because most of the time, my friends are all:

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And I’m like:

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1. Indicators of availability: How many times have you struck up a genuine conversation with someone, only to realize that they have a significant other at home, overseas, arriving later, etc. I would like indicators that automatically tell me who is available to chat up and who isn’t going home to a bed that they have to share. Wedding rings are a great signal so how about they make rings for exclusively committed.

And what about the guys that don’t tell you they have a significant other? I would like insurance to know that I am not intentionally home wrecking.

Personally, I would also like indicators of crazy ex girlfriends that are still in their lives, because ain’t nobody got time for that.

2. Tinder in Real Time: I would love to know who in the bar finds me attractive. That way I don’t waste my time with guys that are completely uninterested. I know this might seem superficial, but guys aren’t going to strike up a conversation with me because I look like I like the Wire. They are going to chat me up because they are into Asians with subtlety placed Eagle tattoos.

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3. Disclaimer of Intentions: Honestly? I would appreciate it if guys that have only wanted sex just said that they only wanted sex. Don’t date me to entertain me. I could be hanging out with friends or treating myself to a massage, both things that are infinitely more intimate than any time I’ll be spending with you after hours.

4. Criminal Records, Ex Wives, Hidden Children: There are some things that are fun to share during a date, like food preferences, family stories, and common interests/hobbies. Things like wrap sheets and prison tattoos? NOT.

5. More Overt Invitation to Approach: Countless of times, my girlfriends and I will lock a target of hot eligible bachelors in our sights, and we end of spending the night eye screwing them until someone makes a motion hours later.

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By that time my face hurts from smiling, and I’ve already consumed too many shots to care. In the animal kingdom, various dances are performed, colors appear, and feathers are revealed to signal a “come hither”. In the human world, we spend the entire night wondering if he will come over, if I should go over, what do I say when I go over, and then regret it when nothing happens.

6. Gamer Player or Game Changer: Because I would like to know if you feed into this whole “if you care less than you are winning” game or if you’re an adult and text me when you want to talk to me. I’ve spent years playing this game and to be honest I am exhausted.

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7. The Fab Five: Knowing the top five things that you two have in common would be a fantastic way to differentiate between the guy at the bar that shares your interest in politics and dogs, or the guy with whom the only interest you share is that you both have a brother.

8. Alcohol Meter: I would love to know how many drinks someone has sucked down before I had the honor to meet them.

9. An Out of Five Star Rating: Knowing what the common consensus of an individual was before meeting them would be pretty helpful. Like any hotel or restaurant that comes with a five star capable rating for things such as menu, service, and cleanliness; those ratings for a potential mate would be much appreciated. Any personal reviews would be welcome as well.

10. A Bullshit Radar: would be strong for the obvious reasons.

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Attempting to Appreciate “I’m Sorry” gifts

I’m twenty-three, flirty, and swimming in “I’m sorry” gifts. What is my life?

What makes men feel pangs of guilt, so much so, that they have to go to the confessional that is 1-800-flowers and confess their crimes with roses, sunflowers, and baby’s breath? Even a better question, what is it about ME that makes them do this? I guess I just make men feel like bumbling, crying, regret ridden, Romeo wannabees.

An inventory of pathetic apologies in the past 4 months:

  • 1 edible arrangement. Contained chocolate covered strawberries which I guess says “I’m sorry” better than chocolate covered bananas.
  • 1 box of a dozen gourmet cupcakes with vanilla frosting. Funfetti puts the FUN in apologies I guess. Oh wait, there is no fun in apologies? My mistake.
  • 2 “I’m sorry” and “I miss you” hallmark cards.
  • 1 rose and lily arrangement in a square glass vase, with an overly dramatic card.
  • 1 bouquet of roses, sunflowers, and daisies in a glass vase, with a quote about how life starts all over again when it gets crisp in Fall blah blah blah.

I would like to add, that these gifts are from more than one sad man looking for my forgiveness. It can safely be assumed, that more than one idiot thinks that the “get out your wallet and get her stuff” tactic works.

Not only does all of this just add unwanted fat to my hips and mismatching glass vases to my home decor, this makes me shake my head and want to blog about how “I’m sorry” gifts sent by a scary tattooed delivery man is NEVER what a girl wants…. EVER. But, as the title of this post points out, I will attempt to appreciate these showerings of patheticness by listing the pros to the aforementioned gifts above.

I will never have to look for a vase again. On the rare occasion that I ever decide to buy flowers for myself, I will have a nice variety of vases to choose from. Glass vases are typically few and far between when you live with three roommates, two of them being guys.

All the Vitamin C I must have consumed from the Edible Arrangement. I did not get sick at all that week…

All the happy friends that I shared the goods with. I’m a sharer, even when it comes to sharing apologies.

Now, I’m not a heartless bitch that hates all things beautiful, perfumed, and sent with yours truly mind. Here are the reasons why I can’t stand apologies purchased online and sent by strangers.

The Cards. You might as well have tweeted me an apology. You can only fit about 160 characters on cards that accompany gifts, making the content overly dramatic. One card I received started with “You are the most incredible woman I have ever met.” I’d like to point out that I just met this now sniveling gentleman about 4 weeks ago. It also made me think of this Socratic inquiry: If I was so incredible, why are these guys dropping the ball so much? So, I’d like to point out ladies, that you should never take the message on these cards to be truth.

Materialism. My forgiveness CANNOT be bought with your credit card and SOMEONE ELSE’S sweat into making a beautiful arrangement.

Embarrassment. One arrangement arrived when I was sitting in a meeting with a client in my office. What first started as “ooohs and ahhhs” of envy, turned into voices of awkwardness as she found out they were “I’m sorry for being an asshole and yelling at you” flowers. I pictured her asking “Who’s the admirer?” and then a second later “Who’s the jackass?” The embarrassment was not due to the timing of the delivery, but having to explain the reason for the delivery. None of the guys were just thinking of me, they just didn’t want me to ignore them anymore.

The Motive. I’d like to make this clear Ladies.There is a motive behind these gifts and it has nothing to do with making YOU feel better. It’s about making THEM feel better. This is their attempt to end the silence or their tenure on the couch. In the mind of men it’s a simple equation:

Gift = Forgiveness = I’m not in the dog house anymore = I get laid = I forgot what I did

which leads me to….

Lessons not Learned. Humans can be conditioned, and this jackass was just conditioned to learn that “I’m Sorry” gifts will bring it all back to the status quo. Will he never do that again? Probably not, as long as he has some money in his wallet.

Therefore I’d like to end this post with something all women can agree on. Whether you share my opinion on “I’m sorry” gifts or not, gifts sent “just because” are more appreciated and will reap both him and her more rewards.

HALL OF LAME

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