Tools that the Dating World is Missing

At twenty-one, I graduated a semester early and then moved thirteen hours away from my friends and family to work in a new state and live alone. I made some pretty big decisions, including adopting a rescue dog and then transferring back up North to live in Boston, a great city where the rent really is too damn high. I put money into a matching 401K, got off my parents insurance policy, and started picking my own doctors.

In the past three years, I’ve gotten quite comfortable and capable. I understand my job, schedule my doctor appointments annually, pay my ridiculous rent, and essentially get shit done.

However, one thing that always been a mystery to me and to be honest, something that seems to be a mystery to most twenty-somethings is dating. I do not, for the life of me, understanding dating and marriage, and sometimes I come back from a night out wishing that certain tools existed to help me better identify who I should be investing my time in. Because most of the time, my friends are all:

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And I’m like:

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1. Indicators of availability: How many times have you struck up a genuine conversation with someone, only to realize that they have a significant other at home, overseas, arriving later, etc. I would like indicators that automatically tell me who is available to chat up and who isn’t going home to a bed that they have to share. Wedding rings are a great signal so how about they make rings for exclusively committed.

And what about the guys that don’t tell you they have a significant other? I would like insurance to know that I am not intentionally home wrecking.

Personally, I would also like indicators of crazy ex girlfriends that are still in their lives, because ain’t nobody got time for that.

2. Tinder in Real Time: I would love to know who in the bar finds me attractive. That way I don’t waste my time with guys that are completely uninterested. I know this might seem superficial, but guys aren’t going to strike up a conversation with me because I look like I like the Wire. They are going to chat me up because they are into Asians with subtlety placed Eagle tattoos.

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3. Disclaimer of Intentions: Honestly? I would appreciate it if guys that have only wanted sex just said that they only wanted sex. Don’t date me to entertain me. I could be hanging out with friends or treating myself to a massage, both things that are infinitely more intimate than any time I’ll be spending with you after hours.

4. Criminal Records, Ex Wives, Hidden Children: There are some things that are fun to share during a date, like food preferences, family stories, and common interests/hobbies. Things like wrap sheets and prison tattoos? NOT.

5. More Overt Invitation to Approach: Countless of times, my girlfriends and I will lock a target of hot eligible bachelors in our sights, and we end of spending the night eye screwing them until someone makes a motion hours later.

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By that time my face hurts from smiling, and I’ve already consumed too many shots to care. In the animal kingdom, various dances are performed, colors appear, and feathers are revealed to signal a “come hither”. In the human world, we spend the entire night wondering if he will come over, if I should go over, what do I say when I go over, and then regret it when nothing happens.

6. Gamer Player or Game Changer: Because I would like to know if you feed into this whole “if you care less than you are winning” game or if you’re an adult and text me when you want to talk to me. I’ve spent years playing this game and to be honest I am exhausted.

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7. The Fab Five: Knowing the top five things that you two have in common would be a fantastic way to differentiate between the guy at the bar that shares your interest in politics and dogs, or the guy with whom the only interest you share is that you both have a brother.

8. Alcohol Meter: I would love to know how many drinks someone has sucked down before I had the honor to meet them.

9. An Out of Five Star Rating: Knowing what the common consensus of an individual was before meeting them would be pretty helpful. Like any hotel or restaurant that comes with a five star capable rating for things such as menu, service, and cleanliness; those ratings for a potential mate would be much appreciated. Any personal reviews would be welcome as well.

10. A Bullshit Radar: would be strong for the obvious reasons.

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