You are Found Guilty of Gaslighting and Sentenced to Embarassment

I penned this post back in January on my phone in Penn Station after a conversation with a boy made me absolutely furious.

At the time, I didn’t have the balls to press post. Now I figure why the fuck not. So here ya’ll go.  

 

Let me pull a Taylor Swift blog style for a moment.

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Ever since the conception of Twenty Something What is my life and the first post I ever penned about “I’m Sorry” gifts, I’ve been on and off reeling from a rather interesting encounter with a supposed textbook Southern charmer from North Carolina. He is the mainly guilty party in my Hall of Lame I’m sorry gifts post.

Let me give you a quick profile. Thirty years old, small southern accent, works in the food industry and I met him in a bar that he managed. Super polite to everyone, but you’d never peg him as a huge ladies man. Initially perceived as a very sweet and nice guy that was raised to be a gentleman.

On top of being a liar, he is also guilty of gaslighting. For those unfamiliar with the term, it refers to an asshole who does something warranting a rather negative reaction. If said reaction makes them unhappy, they feebly attempt to make you feel bad about it. Gaslighting aims to make victims doubt their own perceptions and feel guilt.

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For those that need a more substantial example let’s say Mr. Charmer practically BEGS you to be exclusive with him, and as soon as you decide to not use your charm, sass, and boobs to get drinks and flings with other guys, his list of highly questionable actions start piling up. The sequence of events is as follows.

1. Charmer decides to bring me and my girlfriend to a friend’s house after meeting up with several people at a bar. Call it an after-party of sorts where I am meeting his friends for the first time. More people come to the house, including his friend of the female variety who I had met a few weeks previous. I met her, she met me, and we exchanged the usual pleasantries before he privately explained to me that they had never hooked up… ever. She comes in and I smile, and I am met with a look of drunken disdain. Girl was throwing shade like Regina George.

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Oh well, hello to you to. Well I brush it off since I’m in a 4loko haze and there’s the sweetest dog at the party that I’d rather hang out with anyways. My next question is why Charmer and this bitch are in the bathroom for an hour? I guess Charmer didn’t let his friends in on his manipulations, because it’s one of them who told me the truth about the two having previously dated.

Charmer spends the next 30 mins wondering why I’m not going anywhere near him and why I’m leaving the party. He insists they were “just talking” and for the next few weeks, continues to tell me nothing happened.

2. Then comes the actual sleeping with this girl, while we’re supposedly exclusive. I find out from her, not him. In fact he goes a few weeks without telling me. She also confirms my suspicions on the bathroom incident and when I bring it up, Charmer claims he really did not think anything happened, and that he didn’t find out the truth until a few days later. Apparently, he was really just THAT drunk.

3. He begs to be let back into my life. He actually wants to be my BOYFRIEND. He decides it’s worth cutting all ties with her even when I refuse to stop seeing other guys.

4. For a few months, he’s attempting to win me back, and in some cases it’s working. I refuse to be completely exclusive, but I rarely have time to spend with anyone else. I don’t think I can handle him talking to her again and he tells me he won’t. He tells me I’m the first girl he loves and that I’m the one. I take it with a grain of salt, even if I secretly wish he was being honest. I make it clear that any evidence that he’s speaking to her and I walk out the door.

5. I find out that he’s been texting her behind my back. BIG SURPRISE. I give him up.

6. He starts sending me I’m sorry gifts when I move to Boston.

7. I blog about it.

 

It wasn’t until yesterday that he discovered my blog post. The reaction to me calling his gifts pathetic and selfish set the following conversation into motion:

Charmer: I’m not sending you anything in the mail. I’m not trying to make you a true piece of artwork that I try really hard on and have it mocked on your blog. Maybe later when you think I’m no longer sending you “I’m Sorry” presents. Those were things to just make you smile and start your day off with a hit. I said I’m sorry, I don’t need to give you gifts for that.

Me: I dislike getting your gifts because every nice thing you do for me is in some way for you to feel less bad about what you did. Did you ever try to make me smile when it wasn’t after you did something horrible to me? No. The first nice thing you did for me was after the bathroom incident. The second? After you slept with her. Sending me the flowers? After you texted her. While we were together? Nothing.

Charmer: I’m trying to show you that I care.

Me: So you didn’t care for me when everything was fine and I wasn’t halfway walking out on you? You should’ve showed me you cared by NOT lying to me. I guess buying me flowers is a lot easier.

The conversation becomes circular. He keeps claiming he loves me and cares for me, while I start getting furious. I just want him to stop the word vomit! I hate word vomit… especially when it’s of the bullshit variety.

Charmer: I didn’t realize the damage I was causing when I did those things.

Me: Are you stupid?

And the gaslighting begins.

Charmer: Conversation is over if you’re going to start calling me stupid. I wish you could believe me when I tell you that I loved and cared for you but I know everything I did counters that.

Me: You lied to me? That’s stupid. You’re stupid because you did the one thing I said would result in me leaving and then bellyache about losing me. A stupid person counter acts what they want.

Charmer: Have a good night.

BUT ladies and gentlemen, it doesn’t end there. The gaslighting continues.

Charmer: I ask you not to call me stupid in this conversation and you do the opposite. I’ll talk to you all night and day about what happened to us but I’m not going to be talked down in this manner.

Me: If you don’t want to be a liar, don’t lie. If you don’t want to be a cheater, don’t cheat. If you don’t want to be called stupid…. you can get the idea. And I wonder how it feels when someone that supposedly cares for you does the exact opposite of what you ask…. hmm…

 

GASLIGHTING: Blaming me for calling you stupid… when stupid is as stupid does.

 

 

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#ThatMomentWhen: You Realize You have a lot in Common with Aziz Ansari

It’s been 2 and a half years at my current job, and I still can’t tell if having Friday’s off is a curse or a blessing since I binged watch comedy specials all day this Friday (again… curse or blessing?).

Even though the temperature was sunny and in the high 50s, this Friday afternoon was not quite wasted since I watched Aziz Ansari comedy specials and decided that he and I share a lot of relate-able experiences and viewpoints. Basically by experiences are a comedy special…. what is my life?

 

1. Girls always go for the douche bags. Sadly, I cannot disagree with this statement,  and I will humbly raise my hand above my head about 3 inches and turn my head the other way while shading my eyes with my other hand.

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Ansari explains that there are two types of guys at the bar.

  • Type 1: The guys that only talk to each other. Who may eventually gather the courage to compliment you, but then will be either politely or rudely rejected.
  • Type 2: These are what Ansari calls the dumb dudes, who exclaim “Give me a shot of Jagermeister, drop it in a beer with a bunch of other shit. I’ll say anything to anybody!!! Excuse me excuse me, ahh I just wanted to say you look really beautiful tonight and I was hoping one day I could put my hands on your titties. Is it okay if I’m shitty to you and cheat on you whenever I want?” The men who girls eventually go home with….

Yes, Ansari might have a point here but my theory is as follows. I will actually say that as a woman, nothing gets us more sexually frustrated than hot men that only talk to each other and totally ignore you. Maybe they don’t even ignore you, maybe they’ve looked your way and basically undressed you with their gaze, and yet they STILL do not come over to talk to you, giving you ample time to get boozed up and put on your douche bag stunner goggles, and all of a sudden all the “dumb dudes” look like gentleman.

 

2. Marriage is more outrageous than it seems. Ansari begs to ask the question, how did the idea of marriage even come up, and gives quite the possible scenario that brought structure to this ritual.

Man: “You know how we have been hanging out and spending time together. I want to keep doing it till you’re dead. Put this ring on your finger so people know we have an arrangement. That’s a priest. I want you to swear to God you won’t back out of this deal. That’s a cake with two tiny dolls that look like us. EAT A SLICE. Now feed a little bit me.”

The idea of marriage is fantastic, and I’m not going to claim to be one of those girls that crave an alternate lifestyle at all. I want to be married for sure, but nonetheless, it’s a societal structure that has become a norm. Biologically, humans are meant to be with multiple partners and to even have children with multiple partners. That makes the idea of marriage even MORE strange to me.

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3. No sadder sign of the times then the increasing number of dick pics. Guys are texting pictures of their dick to women all the time. How did such a bizarre thing become such a common place. I’m just DYING for Aziz to include a bit on Tinder into his shows and if he needs any inspiration he can link back to my last Tinder Post.

4. Random roommates on Craiglist can be scary. This brought me significant worry, since in Boston, that is one of the only ways people, myself included, can find roommates now a days. Ansari’s horror story, made my Craigslist fears even more concrete.

The fact that now I have to start looking for a roommate for our lease in September makes this bit even more terrifying.

7. Being friends with your little cousin on Facebook can be horrifying. Ansari’s little cousin Harris lives in Georgia and to be perfectly honest, his comedy special made me think that one: Harris needs some friends and to stop feeding his anti-social Halo addiction, and two: that I need to think twice before following my family members on social media. My friend’s list is peppered with some cousins from Vietnam, my older cousins posting pictures with their kids, and my second cousins.

Now I’m not scared of them posting self quoting dark statuses such as “life’s dirty, you gotta play dirty to win it,” quite like Ansari, but I was petrified to see that my 11 year old cousin on Instagram had a girlfriend, or that my twin cousins that just celebrated their Sweet 16s this year just had their Junior Prom. These events don’t seem quite terrifying, but they make me feel Terrifyingly old. I can feel my eye sockets and rack sagging this very minute.

8. It’s a frustrating time to be single right now. A bunch of texting, miss communication and eventually ghosting. Ansari likens dating to being  a secretary for a shoddy organization, scheduling the dumbest shit with the flakest people ever. We’re also left trying to decipher if we are even on a date, because we go on these date-friend-hangout things. It could always be a date, but no one says that it’s a date.

 

Make sure you catch all of Aziz Ansari’s Comedy Specials such as Buried Alive, Intimate Moments for a Sensual Evening, and Dangerously Delicious on Netflix, especially if you have no life… like me.

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To Court or Abort: The Five (and a half) Stages of Courting

While I’ve had my shares of heart break, mistakes, both rational and irrational instincts, spazzes, and successes; I’m self proclaimed as being able to give some stable and sound insight (I’d rather not call it advice just yet) into the world of dating. Ironically, I’m not in any stable relationship at the moment, yet am enjoying being alone for the time being. What is my life?

This post comes in response to a conversation that has lasted over the past few days with a friend of mine. Last week, she had gasped over a surprise text she had received from a male acquaintance of hers expressing his interest in taking her out on a date after they had a brief run in the day before. Within the half hour, a date was set for next Friday at a Venezuelan restaurant. Fantastic; she has a suitor.

A few days later, the conversation came up again as my friend had to explain to her suitor that she had to delay their date on Friday a few hours. As the conversation continues she exclaims, “I just want to be courted!”

But wait, isn’t flirtatious texting and setting up a one on one over empanadas and candles considered courting? The answer is yes. So I took it upon myself to explain the Five and a Half Stages of Courting:

  • Stage Point Five (.5): This stage doesn’t even get a whole number since it could potentially lead to pure friendship as well as happily ever after. I categorize this stage as the communication gates opening and whether they flood or not is up to either parties. This first text can be recognized by the unknown contact number at the top of the screen as well as the text containing the first and last name of the person that you just gave you’re number to. This may or may not be followed up with an “It was great meeting you tonight!” and an emojicon smilie face.

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  • Stage One: Stage one is what brought about this whole conversation with my dear friend. Stage One occurs when the courtier suddenly makes his true intentions fully aware. All of a sudden you realize that they find you attractive, and want to set up a date over some Taco Bell (oh wait… that’s just my fantasy isn’t it). Basically it’s when the texting comes from a place of intimate interest and is not just platonic, hence the whole number. Hold on to your seats ladies in case you’re potentially blown away by his stunning good looks, witty quips, and perfect biceps.
  • Stage Two: Stage two marks the commencement of the face-to-face courting and can be identified with the first official date. Instead of hiding behind your phone or Facebook, both of you are finally gazing into each other’s eyes over cheesy gordita crunches (I swear I’m not starving or anything..) All of a sudden there are other factors that you need to take into account. How excited where you before you embarked on this romantic outing? What are you wearing?

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Does their breath smell, did they pick up the tab, are they going to hold your hand, and what about that kiss goodnight??! Stage two can bring on all sorts of emotions such as excitement or anxiety, but what it really attempts to bring about is the reality of whether or not you two click.

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  • Stage Three: This stage is the post-date communication which is usually more frequent than the pre-date communication if Stage Two went swimmingly well. Commonly used phrases in Stage Three include “I couldn’t stop thinking about you today”, “I can’t wait to see you again”, and “Let’s try ______ next time.” Stage Three typically eludes to a next date and possibly more. Communication, like I said is more frequent, possible daily, and all of a sudden the flirtation meter rockets off the map.
  • Stage Four: Eventually if you like the person it’s bound to happen. Stage Four is when it all gets physical. All of a sudden you’ve added a whole new set of insecurities into your courting. Hopefully things go will in between the sheets so that things can go really well out of them.
  • Stage Five: The last stage is where you might as well be dating, but you haven’t made it official yet. In regards to my last post, he’s your franchise player. You stay over each other’s places on the weekends and maybe even have a toothbrush on their bathroom sink. You have dinner dates AND make out dates. You text flirt the crap out of each other and you’re inching closer and closer to putting on the labels.

That about covers that. You let me know if there are any outstanding questions.