Tools that the Dating World is Missing

At twenty-one, I graduated a semester early and then moved thirteen hours away from my friends and family to work in a new state and live alone. I made some pretty big decisions, including adopting a rescue dog and then transferring back up North to live in Boston, a great city where the rent really is too damn high. I put money into a matching 401K, got off my parents insurance policy, and started picking my own doctors.

In the past three years, I’ve gotten quite comfortable and capable. I understand my job, schedule my doctor appointments annually, pay my ridiculous rent, and essentially get shit done.

However, one thing that always been a mystery to me and to be honest, something that seems to be a mystery to most twenty-somethings is dating. I do not, for the life of me, understanding dating and marriage, and sometimes I come back from a night out wishing that certain tools existed to help me better identify who I should be investing my time in. Because most of the time, my friends are all:

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And I’m like:

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1. Indicators of availability: How many times have you struck up a genuine conversation with someone, only to realize that they have a significant other at home, overseas, arriving later, etc. I would like indicators that automatically tell me who is available to chat up and who isn’t going home to a bed that they have to share. Wedding rings are a great signal so how about they make rings for exclusively committed.

And what about the guys that don’t tell you they have a significant other? I would like insurance to know that I am not intentionally home wrecking.

Personally, I would also like indicators of crazy ex girlfriends that are still in their lives, because ain’t nobody got time for that.

2. Tinder in Real Time: I would love to know who in the bar finds me attractive. That way I don’t waste my time with guys that are completely uninterested. I know this might seem superficial, but guys aren’t going to strike up a conversation with me because I look like I like the Wire. They are going to chat me up because they are into Asians with subtlety placed Eagle tattoos.

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3. Disclaimer of Intentions: Honestly? I would appreciate it if guys that have only wanted sex just said that they only wanted sex. Don’t date me to entertain me. I could be hanging out with friends or treating myself to a massage, both things that are infinitely more intimate than any time I’ll be spending with you after hours.

4. Criminal Records, Ex Wives, Hidden Children: There are some things that are fun to share during a date, like food preferences, family stories, and common interests/hobbies. Things like wrap sheets and prison tattoos? NOT.

5. More Overt Invitation to Approach: Countless of times, my girlfriends and I will lock a target of hot eligible bachelors in our sights, and we end of spending the night eye screwing them until someone makes a motion hours later.

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By that time my face hurts from smiling, and I’ve already consumed too many shots to care. In the animal kingdom, various dances are performed, colors appear, and feathers are revealed to signal a “come hither”. In the human world, we spend the entire night wondering if he will come over, if I should go over, what do I say when I go over, and then regret it when nothing happens.

6. Gamer Player or Game Changer: Because I would like to know if you feed into this whole “if you care less than you are winning” game or if you’re an adult and text me when you want to talk to me. I’ve spent years playing this game and to be honest I am exhausted.

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7. The Fab Five: Knowing the top five things that you two have in common would be a fantastic way to differentiate between the guy at the bar that shares your interest in politics and dogs, or the guy with whom the only interest you share is that you both have a brother.

8. Alcohol Meter: I would love to know how many drinks someone has sucked down before I had the honor to meet them.

9. An Out of Five Star Rating: Knowing what the common consensus of an individual was before meeting them would be pretty helpful. Like any hotel or restaurant that comes with a five star capable rating for things such as menu, service, and cleanliness; those ratings for a potential mate would be much appreciated. Any personal reviews would be welcome as well.

10. A Bullshit Radar: would be strong for the obvious reasons.

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Purposely Missed Connections: Confessions of a TinderElla

Being a twentysomething living in the hustle and bustle of Boston, MA, my Tinder app gets flooded with pictures of hot guys cut from very different cloths. Whether it’s a Burly Bearded from Southie, a Muppie (Millennial Yuppie) from Back Bay, or a Hipster from Cambridge, I probably have swiped right and in the process killed any previous notion that I have a “type”.

With over 200 matches, I’ve only met a handful of real flesh, breathing people and I’d like to keep it that way, and there are multiple reasons why.

 

1. Tinder is like 2048, lots of swiping in one direction with the soul purpose of entertaining myself. I’m bored, and swiping takes little to no effort. This makes Tinder a great way to pass time before bed or when I’m on the crapper (yup, you may have just matched with a girl that is in the pissah). I already checked my text messages, Facebook notifications, Instagram comments and trending tweets. I’m already rendered cross eyed by endless games of 2048 and I’d rather look at men than multiples of 2.

2. Matches make me smile, because that guy that I think is sexy also thinks I’m sexy and maybe we’re sex-patable. Isn’t that a nice thought? Tinder is an ultimate confidence booster.

 

3. I’ll swipe left, for multiple reasons including gym selfies, children in your arms, or your dick pic. Or because, I just don’t find you attractive.

4. We matched and I’m on a roll so I’m going to keep swiping for another and then forget to message you.

5. Accidental Swipes can be double sided. We will never meet if you’re a bonafide hottie that I accidentally swiped left to when I was vigorously going through the bow wows and dick pics. We will also never meet if I accidentally swiped you right, as in, I did not mean to ever match with you.

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6. The first message was either one of two things. A boring “Hey” which did not tempt a conversation, or a “let’s swap pics”, “Hey there cutie”, or “I’m not a rooster but watch what this cock’ll-do-to-you”. Nope, not answering, but blocking. Also, all I ever did was swipe right. Do I owe you anything? No. So don’t follow up my inactivity with “Hey sexy where you at???” or get butthurt that you either bored me or creeped me out.

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7. Like an eager beaver, you want to meet right now. You noticed I was active a mile away, and you’re pretty much telling me to throw my pants back on and come to meet you when I’m curled up in bed next to my dog Moses. Nope, sorry, no.

8. Unless it’s food STAHP SHARING your unattractive stories that would make me run off into the hills with stones stuffed in my ears and forks in my eyes. I don’t want to know about your ex or your kids before I know that you actually exist. Just STAHP.

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9. U type lyke dis doughh and it isn’t funny. In the world of a qwerty keyboard, which I know you have since you have the Tinder app, you can afford to type out full words… though.

10. You aren’t 26, and Tinder lied because you’re an undergrad and too young for me Bro.

11. Catfish and the Craigslist Killer have made me second guess stepping out of my apartment for any online rendez-vous. It did however, make me want to be best friends with Nev and Max.

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So there you have it. I am not going to put on pants, leave my snuggly dog, and go through any meet-up-with-someone-and-awkwardly-stand-there anxiety for accidental swipes, no swipes, perverts, bores, undergrads, children, adults who type lyke children, or serial killers.